I haven’t been posting much (although I have all the time in the world, as they say) especially being unemployed. But, I have been trying to just enough some ME time! After 4 years at my old job, where I was always stressed out, on edge and always concerned for my job; it is sadly a relief to not have to do that. Admittedly, as I’ve written before, I miss the paycheck and some of the individuals there. At 52, I don’t miss being bullied, being ridiculed and certainly don’t miss trying to be ON for some individuals who tormented me. And I’ve been working since I was 17 – even when I would get laid off/unemployed before, I managed to always find ways to make money. I’m not a slacker.
Now though, I’m struggling with finding out who ME is…
What I’ve surmised over these past months is this:
- I like my alone times.
- I still like being creative and writing.
- I like decorating and redecorating our home, creating change – like I did when I would do displays or events.
- I like doing yard work – but at my own weird “Edward Scissorhands” pace – quickly and get as much done. I DO wish I could just do it idly, but the reality is I hate this yard (when you have to work with what someone else created & its a rental with lots of issues that would require $$ to repair).
- I like cooking/baking – although I’m not happy when I screw up a recipe or it doesn’t turn out like I hoped/wanted. But it is meditative.
- I like going through my magazines and books.
- I like being here for Michael (although I do nag when he doesn’t help with household chores) and I’m having a very hard time with letting HIM take care of ME (financially). I have ALWAYS taken care of myself!
- I like thinking up and planning parties/events – I just wish I could get more people to want to join or also enjoy getting together. People in the PNW are not as socially involved as my former Texans.
- I like exploring new places and re-exploring my favorite ones. Thrift stores, antique stores, small shops and definitely the outdoors. And I love road trips.
- I like NOT working! At least not like I did.
What I don’t like:
- Being scared financially. I hate that I had a family member call me BROKE. And I especially hate that those family members (who don’t talk to me) have to get GOSSIP from my mother (or use the social media) to ask about me and my unemployment, etc. Really? But I guess thats a LIKE, when I can make them feel better about themselves…
- I hate having gained weight and am struggling with having energy to get motivated to workout. I have BURSTS of energy – which is how I clean, detail the cars, do yard work, etc. I’m looking at all sorts of things/reading and I know some of it is menopause, but I also know its a little depression too.
- I don’t like when I push Michael (usually when I’m depressed and scared). I love him dearly, he’s not perfect and can be ‘obnoxious’ when he starts debating… but he’s a great man and good to me.
- I don’t like not being able to figure out how to take the things I DO like (parties, events, decorating, creating) and make it into a job or something I can make money with. I used to have that before, but HERE it’s harder to manifest.
- I don’t like that as I’m getting older, I don’t here from my son as often and I feel like he’s pulling away. I want to leave GOOD memories for BOTH of my kids (I don’t want them to ever have the same bad feelings my siblings (and I to some extent) do of our mother).
- I don’t like not being a part of something.
- I don’t like being unhappy. I miss that part of myself. But I know it’s also because I AM trying to figure ME out and how/where I FIT now!?
I appreciate any of you that read this and I DO like my fellow bloggers! We do this because we LIKE it and it’s good for us!
~ Love, Laura