Although I am there for others (sister, daughter, son, mom, Michael…etc) I have still been struggling with just BEING ME.
Yesterday my son called to tell me the bad news: that he lost his job (that he enjoyed), this following my daughter now going into a new job herself (with some trepidations and fears) AND then Monette calling to tell me the latest saga of her divorce. I am always here for them (although they may not always feel that I am – silence isn’t that I’m not listening – it IS actually staying quiet TO LISTEN). I can’t always give the best advice, sometimes NO advice is the best, but it saddens me also that I can’t FIX their situations – like I’d like to. It’s my job to fix them, but I will always be here for them. They just need to understand that they are not my only worries and sadly, they all seem to happen sometimes simultaneously.
With all of that, I have still struggled with my unemployment and fear of having Michael be my support. All of my life I have had to learn to only rely on myself – from the moment my parents divorced and sent my life in a tailspin, with all the distrust I carry and the worry that I am once again a burden to someone else. And then to hear the awful comments from my own mother (to my NOSEY Aunt) about my “latest lay off/unemployment”… and even to a former colleague who seemed to be ‘concerned’ that I had not been looking for a job (yet)… to even my ex-husband hearing that I “still hadn’t found a job” (from my daughter)… seriously, these comments aren’t concerns, they are petty and as Michael said, jealousy?
Michael HAS been my blessing. Yes, I know that we will struggle financially (at least until I get another job) – but as I’ve said, I AM helping him as well (as I have in the past 4 years) and I do still feel that I need a MENTAL BREAK. It’s not just the last 4 years (with my former company) that also added to my depression, stress and mental anguish, it was the last years leading up to those 4 as well. And at 52 years old, I have felt like I have given so much (financially I HAVE) as well as just feeling drained and depleted.
So to have Michael, not only in his emotional support, but even his love and devotion has been my blessing. One of his other great GIFTS to me was helping me set up MY ROOM (my home office/junk/craft room). It has been my salvation, (although I do all the decorating to our home), having this creative outlet and GIRLY room is better than any job I can find! See, the creative mind isn’t organized, but it’s the fun of just being me and constantly changing and thinking…
I will continue to stress (even filing unemployment was stressful), I will ALWAYS worry about the finances, but be assured that AS ALWAYS I will find a way to either get another job, make some money, make sure I’m not a burden to Michael and I will happily move forward into my old life with all the love and devotion I can for Michael. It’s why I do what I can FOR him and I why I love, support and admire him.
~ Love, Laura