Lately, my blog/journal has been more about reposts, sharing articles/information that I hope others also find interesting as well. But this morning, I’m sitting in my craft/junk room, with the morning light over my shoulder, the fog is rolling in and there’s a stillness outside other than the drops of rain that I can hear on the patio. I have the window opened, to let in some fresh air (much needed) and my second cup of coffee to my right. And I found more articles that somehow seemed to reach HOW I’m feeling right now – seems rather ironic.
Yesterday was what I want to call a Bipolar day
Admittedly, I’ve been having several of those. It’s life stresses, financial strains, and of course, not being able to control some situations. This is where I share with you that when I was younger, I certainly was capable of resolving more in my life than I feel capable of doing now. Basically, when I had financial issues (some due to my ex) I was able to FIX them – if it meant me having to find secondary jobs, literally selling junk I was holding onto or just taking care of the situation. But now, because my AGE, it’s not so easy anymore. I certainly will say that I was LUCKY or FORTUNATE to have been able to find other jobs if/when mine had been ‘gone’ (I’ve never been fired from a job, most of the time the job had been eliminated or companies fell apart). But I have had the jobs where my boss and I ‘agreed’ it was no longer a good fit (I’ve quit), and then I’d find something that I (felt), at the time, was better. Mostly, it was a paycheck!
And I have been feeling that way again lately – which is why I’ve been feeling bipolar. I’ve been trying to fix some of the situations at work, for my boss, but the reality is that it is NOT in my control. And right now, trying to keep him ‘afloat’ is a huge goal for me because: Michael got laid off from his job, I still need to help my daughter financially, sister has abandoned mentally & physically this job and again, my AGE and my lack of current technological and/or whatever the hell is needed now is irrelevant!
Tears of Frustration
My sister constantly reminds me how ‘sensitive’ I am, she is certainly one who doesn’t have a strong sense of empathy and she hates when I tell her THAT (as much as I hate being told I’m oversensitive). All that I know and see, though, with my boss makes me have empathy for him. Even though he can drive me bat-shit crazy, I know he has a good heart and has been a tremendous help for my sister. Even though she only comes in one day a week (sometimes), she still gets the benefits $$ and he still does a lot for her. Am I bitter/jealous – hell yeah! And when I get frustrated, I cry! I hate when I do it, but it’s because I’m frustrated and mad.
The SHARE (or repost)
This is the ironic article that I came across my emails this morning. I don’t KNOW if I’m bi-polar or just old, cranky and weird? hee hee, but when she (Jen Gotch) talks about the stigma and about crying in the workplace, it spoke to me. I should mention (if you didn’t read my ABOUT), that I have a long history of being an Executive Assistant – working for lawyers, doctors, judges, corporate high-powered & high paid executives, being their flunky
slave, both professionally and for most, personally. I’m a part of the #METOO group, but during all of these jobs/paychecks, I’ve cried at work too, because of frustration and anger. And maybe being Bipolar WAS part of my best attributes (in dealing with some of the stuff I did)?
The interviewers’ question:
I’m curious about that balance because I work in a completely different office environment where real raw expressions of emotion aren’t something we see. I mean, I’m sure we all have access to them, but it’s monitored in the office setting. So it’s interesting to think about the difference between those two atmospheres.
I think part of it is that I didn’t study business. I never intended to be a business person. I’m a creative, so the ideas behind the business were always very human even before that became popular, and then when we eventually sold the company—
I appreciated her story, not because of the bipolar, but because of how she deals with it and how she VIEWS the workplace. For me, after several years of ‘trying to fit in’ a corporate lifestyle, I DO realize that I never did fit in! I’m a hard worker, I show up, do the job (even the boring routine things), I don’t always like leaving things undone/pending and yes for years with these high-powered people, I put up with SHIT like a lot of these women are talking about lately (#METOO). I used to be able to fight for my jobs, I stood up to being bullied (at that cost of me getting laid off – happily) but along the way, I learned a heck of a lot – about life, people and myself. Now though, I wish I could BE Jen – in other words, find a way for my creative side to pay the bills! But I’m sadly a realist and I’m too old to go back to event planning. And I NEED my current job to last until M can get a better job himself.
I’ve been through THIS a number of times in my life but as I said, when you get older, it’s definitely harder to sell yourself. It’s harder to be positive every day. That’s MY bipolar outlook – wah wah, whine, whine….